Spiritual Conditioning

Once upon a time, two of Lord Buddha's diciples were traversing across India.
Of both men of the robe, one was rather gentle and big in size, while the other
was petitely built with a fury of a man twice his size. During their journey they
reached a river which they had to cross. The currents were strong as torrents
of water pounded against the river rocks. As they were about to cross they took
notice of a pretty young woman trying to cross the river as well. She was weakly
built and she would have been swept by the currents as easily as the dry leaves
in the summer. The bigger sized monk offered the young woman to sit on his back
so he can help her across. The small sized monk was perplexed. Being men of the
robe they were not allowed to come in contact with the opposite sex. He kept a
angry, frustrated and disappointed demeanor as his giant brother ferried the sweet
young thing across the river. The demeanor remained for the rest of the journey,
while the big sized monk remained nonchalant. Throughout the rest of the journey
the small monk was quiet and cold. Upon reaching their monastery he couldn't hold
it in any longer and yelled at the bigger monk.

"How could you come in contact with that woman?! It is against our teachings!!!"

The big sized monk still maintaining his calm, uttered words that filled his small
sized brother with guilt.

"I have merely carried the woman as far as the other side of the river. How come you're still carrying her along?"

Sometimes in life without realizing we would carry excess baggage of unpleasant
thoughts, feelings and grudges from the past. Obstacles and conflict get in our way
every once in a while. It is only wise that we learn from them. However we truly
only learn from these incidents when we have learnt to let them go. Life is short,
do not let the weight of these excess baggage hinder your journey :)

Melaka Trip II

Wish upon a boat

Headed to Melaka once again with coursemates to gather some information for
our assignment. The last time I went there was quite recent, it was one of those
beginning of semester trips we have before the assignments poured in. Never
would I imagine going down there again FOR assignment purpose. Regardless
we did what we had to do and it was quite a good trip, eventhough it was just a
day trip.

Got up 7 in the morning and left around 7:45. Ive never woken up this early in
a very long time and I felt like a secondary school student zombie once again. We
took the same kampung path we did the last time before reaching the highway.
The weird part was regardless of how kampung it got, it really reminded me of
Semenyih, except those kampungs which had cow's and stuff, those are the
ghettos of Malaysia lol.

At the highway the driver got kinda sleepy, so I took over. What a feeling it was
being on the road again. After weeks of mindless assignment work, a long drive
was rather therapeutic for me. I dont't know why, but a long drive does me good
whenever Im stressed or down. Being on the road and moving fast gives me a
feeling of freedom somehow. It just feels as though Im moving at the same speed
as our fast paced lives. This semester just seems to be a slow and dark one, and
yet it feels like its fleeting by ever so swiftly. Anyways back to the trip.

We headed to Jasin, somewhere in the outskirts of Melaka. It was there where
we gathered information for our coursework. I will not divulge any information
here for the sake of ethics(such a good jr psychologist). It's a very quiet town
and suprisingly big, but it was filled with those wooden traditional Malay houses
and pre-war shoplots. It didnt take too long to get what we wanted and we
were very satisfied with our findings. With the feeling of satisfaction off we
drove to Melaka.

When we reached the town, the familiar feelings came back. The sight of the red
church, the colourful trishaws and the british colonial buildings brought out all
the memories of a 9 year old me who visited the place with my family a long time
ago. But there was something definitely different. Im not sure why I didnt realise
this the last time I came, but Melaka isnt what it used to be. What was suppose
to be a town which was suppose to maintain it's cultural image instead morphed
into a modern tourist trap. The trishaws that once peacefully roam the tiny town
now have amps installed and they blast techno music. What used to be shops selling
antiques and other intricate relics are now replaced with cafes and bars with
overpriced drinks meant for the whites. Shops which used to sell beautiful handmade
keychains now sell plastic couple keychains and other cute souvenirs.

As we walked into jonker street it just felt like a whole new Melaka. The old
historical, rustic and wooden charm of Melaka is slowly dying. Regardless, it
still has the cosy feeling of it. Im just sad by the time my "kids" come in, the
charm of it may be completely lost. I know Penang is going through the same
thing, but it's out with the old and in the with the new. I dont mind a single
bit :)

Anyways, we did a really unique thing in Melaka. It's called the wishing boats.
As you can see from the picture above this post, there are some boats which
ferry tourists by the riverside of Melaka. These boats constantly cruise under
pedestrian bridges. The concept is you grab a coin and make a wish, when the
boats comes close you throw the coin on the roof of the boat where it will remain.
Haha, it's something we made up on our own. I made the same wish twice, I
hope it really comes true :(

We spent the day walking and mostly laughing. It's good to feel relaxed again
after all the stress and confusion. Im glad I had a tiny holiday from life. Till
we meet again Melaka.. :)

Updates

Hey guys, I know I have blogged a lot about factual stuff that you guys really
dont need to know about and nothing about myself. Im also quite aware that
this blog died for awhile before I revived it again causing me to lose a quite a
significant number of my already very small population of readers.
None-the-less I shall continue blogging for my own personal reasons. This
blog has contained quite a lot of memories and it would be a real shame to
just let it go. Regardless of how long this blog may go inanimate I shall
eventually come back to it :)

I do not usually like to blog about myself, but since this is my blog after all
I feel that a few updates would not hurt ;) I shall list them down very
briefly here

1) In a social study conducted in UNMC, it was concluded from various respondents
that my brother looks wayyyyyyyyy younger then me. I dont know what's worse,
the fact that he is 3 years older then me or the fact that I look half my age.

2) I have mastered a few dishes through cooking experiments in my kitchen. F.Y.I
the 5 second rule does not apply on my kitchen floor. It's more like -5 second rule.

3) Kenneth a.k.a FJORD or htknnek has 4 packs. Dont believe me? Ask him to take
off his shirt(true fact).

4) Yih Quan is not around anymore, sigh. This means that I have been atleast a few
months sober. That bioscience birthday party does not count! I could still do pumping
after that lol.

5) Retardo learns how to shake and sit. Just like stoner :D

6) Stoner is dead :( Found her dead. Cause of death unknown.

7) Im getting slightly more proficient in mandrin! Im becoming more of a mango
than a banana hahaha. Still can't completely form full sentences though, just can
order food.

8) Assignments are closing in and Im scared shitless.

9) The guy upstairs is still smelly

10) Im homesick :(

Well, that is all the updates I have for now. This semester has been a really fast
one. It just feels like yesterday I was unpacking my stuff, today Im already working
my butt off on assignments. Speaking of assignments I have to get back to mine
before I lose track of time again. :)

Truth

What is unconditional love?

The meaning of unconditional love sounds simple. Unconditional love means that
you will love someone no matter what they do. This does not mean that you do
not see their faults. You just continue loving them in spite of these faults.

That is the simple meaning to it. When most people are asked about it, they say
they receive it and they provide from and to their loved ones. They say it with
full confidence, I said it myself too once. But when more thought was put into it,
I told myself the term seemed to good to be true. How can you continue loving
someone regardless of what they did?

What if your loved one hurt you? What if he/she cheated on you? What if he/she
is a criminal? What if they are of a different race? Age? Religion? There are a
thousand more ifs and a thousand more things someone can tolerate. But how far
exactly does the limit of one's tolerance stretches? Even love which has braved
storms many times before can be eventually shattered by a mere breeze.

The truth is, love can be a very simple and yet very complicated thing. It is very
simple in the sense where two people are attracted to each other and they form a
bond together which lasts from just a few days to an eternity. It is complicated in
a sense where the person you hate the most is also you love and care for the most.
It seems that in life, everything goes both ways, you can't have something good
without something bad accompanying it.

With "unconditional" love, it just seems to break the code of life. To love someone
indefinitely regardless of how much they hurt you. It just seems that with that
kind of love you only choose to see the good. What if you choose to unconditionally
love someone who continually hurts you? Seems rather impossible right? Seems
rather divine doesn't it? But whether you believe it or not, my opinion is that it
does not exist. Love like that only exists in fairytales.

Beholder

Who am I?

Have you pondered upon this question before? What do you perceive yourself as?
What is your personality? How do you behave? What are your intentions? What
role do you play among your family and friends? What is your purpose of living?
Right about now you may or may not have the answers to these questions. But
how much do you really know about yourself?

Most of us have a rough idea about who we are. We know our attitudes be it the
active sort or the passive sort. We roughly know about how patient we are, be it
short tempered or tolerant towards others. We can observe our intelligence
through our test results. We can judge our appearance looking at the toilet mirror
every morning. There are endless ways how we see ourselves and what we
perceive ourself as.

But do you really think that the judgements you make upon yourself is correct?
Do you think you really know who you are? Some of us may have the benefit of
the doubt. There are those who have a certain level of rationale to make correct
judgements about themselves while the rest of us are not that priviledged. You

see, people make general assumptions based on their own knowledge. But exactly
how accurate is your general knowledge? Do you think your assumptions are valid?
It really depends on how intelligent you are and how much you know about something.
There will always be errors and discrepancies in our assumptions. Having said so,
can you really make valid judgement about who you are?

You see, we tend to perceive ourselves as who we want to be. We tend to reject and
deny the negative qualities about ourself. For instance lets say that I see myself as
the patient sort and Im a good listener. I would remember the times when I listened
and comforted a broken hearted friend but, I wouldnt even realise it when I yell at my
brother for criticizing my dangerous driving. Some of us tend to be vain and stare at
the mirror at every opportunity we have. Regardless of how good looking we vision
ourself as, it really depends on other people to judge our appearance. So as you can
see, we tend to distort the knowledge about ourselves. Only the important people
in our lives can make accurate judgements about us.

As for those who have a more or less accurate perception of themselves, I salute you.
But are you someone you want to be or someone you should be? There is a fine line
between want and should. For example, lets say you are someone who actively donates
to charitable organizations. Do you donate because you want to or do you do it because
others are doing it as well? Or lets say you have good grades because you have a
targeted career in mind or because you want to please your parents. Or perhaps you
have alot of friends, therefore you see yourself as someone friendly, but deep down
you can stand dejection and being alone.

So, do you really know who you are? Are you sure? Well I dont :(

Society

For millions of years, humans have taken many forms through evolution. We once
lived in the water, we were once apes and now we take on our current humanoid form.
Despite the fact that we were once very different, we share a common characteristic. An
instinct we had for millions of years and many more to come. The basic instinct of survival.
The instinct that drives us to live, the instinct that has kept our species existant till today.

The survival instinct basically drives us into doing anything to keep us alive and ensure the
continuity of our species. During the harsh conditions back then, our ancestors had to run,
steal, kill, rape and commit many other atrocities which are unacceptable to our civilized and

tamed society today. Back then there was no order or law, our ancient ancestors were

animals amongst other animals.

In our present time, with order in our society humans still carry with them the instinct of
survival. We can observe this through our daily routine and behaviour in our social life. We
have our methaphorical food chain where we avoid those above our social hierachy which
are a threat to us and we "prey on" or manipulate those who we feel are below us. We move in
"packs" or our so called cliques. We do whatever it takes to survive in Uni, from studying
really hard to cheating in a test for the sake of our future. We find those "desperate" friends
of ours who constantly look for companions who are subconsciously following the survival
instinct of continuing the species. We "prowl" or "stalk" on facebook to get to know our
friends or evens enemies better. We have feel jealous when people harrass or talk to our
mates, we feel angry when people hurt our friends and we gossip/bitch because we are
protecting and maintaing our territory. This is less related to the survival instinct of our
ancestors but somewhat applied to our social world.

In a more realistic notes, the behaviours of our ancestors can still be seen today. There
are cases where people steal, why would they do such things? To put food on the table of
course. However, there is a difference between stealing for survival and stealing for the sake

of greed. I however personally feel that both are contingent. There are still people out there
who commit rape. Lust is actually an animalistic instinct to breed but rapists are however
still wrong as they lack self control. We still find people who kill, coerce, threaten, harrass
and humiliate others. All of this done for the sake of their own survival. Truly even today
in certain environments, its survival of the fittest.

As we can observe, the survival instinct is part of our human programming. For millions
of years we have behaved this way and we will continue doing so. Some of us may have
more self control and have a sense of empathy for others while some may not. Despite
the fact as that we perceive ourselves as the intelligent beings we see today, we still are
infact animals of our modern world

Anchor Effect

One thing I realise lately is that people tend to change over time. I have always
gotten used to the fact that people will change and I will in turn change my perspective
as well so I can adapt towards their new behaviour or attitude. So far that has served
me well and I did not lose alot of friends, just some of course which were never really
friends to begin with. However, recently that was not the case. I found out that it is
not exactly time that changes people, it is the situations that arises as time goes by

There was a term I heard..

In the time of need, those who have always been there for you may abandon you and
those who you expected to knock you down will pick you up.

When I read this term I felt that whoever quoted it must have been really stupid and
have no common sense as this statement did not seem to hold any form of logic. Well
maybe in movies but hardly in real life. However I have been sadly proven wrong as
of late. I realise that shit does happen sometimes. There are people out there who make
you feel like you are significant to them and they show all forms of care and concern.
They give you advice based on their own opinion try to prevent you from doing something
which they assume you will regret.

At first I thought people that kind and generous will make invalueble friends. How wrong
was I, what seemed like concern and friendship had all been some form of illusion. Let me
clarify. Sometimes, people have feel a sense of belonging and dislike lonliness. They feel
bitter at the fact that others do not treat them the way the expect them to. They do not
feel appreciated by others and feel insignificant to most(due to their own attitudes perhaps).
Therefore they find friends who they feel are less intimidating and easy. They use them
as an anchor or a base to run to when they have no one else. They look down at them and
feel that they should and must be better than them(their anchors).

At anytime, when they feel threatened that their anchor is gonna be taken from them,
they jump into action and find all sorts of ways to harm, cockblock, sabotage and
demotivate their anchors in an attempt to keep them away from others. Not until they
find other friends of course. I dub this phenomena the Anchor Effect.

Sometimes when a situation arises where you are in need of help the most, the people
who you expect the most to be there for you actually may bring you down even further.
The people who you expect to hurt you when you are down sometimes may be the ones
who will be there for you when you least expect it. True story.

Friends

Im currently at tiscra now stealing some internet. Its been about 12 days now since
Ive been here and I must say that it has been both very boring and uneventful at
the same time. Im stuck now living alone in my dorm without internet. Day by day
going to the gym, having meals alone and playing offline games on the internet. Well
it isnt that sad actually, I do go out on one day intervals atleast. Its just that during
the intervals when Im at home, its just really boring.

During the first week was great though. Had quite alot of things to do such as helping
out during the watermelon party and catching up with uni friends. Well, by catching
up with them I meant having a drinking session at my place and going all the way to
Klang to have some Bak Kut Teh LOL! Had a versus of the slangs as well LOL!

On the same week I managed to catch up with some college friends. Didnt really go
anywhere but Sky Bar this weekend hopefully. I bumped into my secondary school
friends as well while out with my college friend. It was nice catching up with them
after about 2 years of not seeing them and had an awesome L4D2 session. I know
not something you would really do while catching up with old friends but it was fun.

Well on the sad side I have already sent off two good friends of mine. They are gonna
study abroad and its just gonna different here without them sigh. One of them is off
to the UK while the other is off to China. Well, wont be having much drinking sessions
nor trash talking no more without them around. Jolene is going off during the 22nd as
well to the UK. Siao PHOR! Get me more "blue" keychains arr? hahah. Sigh the 3 of
you will be sorely missed, all the best and do keep in touch.

Well, recently Jess dropped over her dog at my place with the case of tick's invasion.
At first it was an all out war as I had to pick vast amount of ticks from this dog. This
dog had it bad! But I gave it everything, from feeding it phenominal amounts of garlic
to applying garlic directly to its skin, bathing the dog with the chemical that minny
gave me and basically giving it a bath on alternate days. I dunno what did the trick
but the ticks are nearly extinct. Well the irony of it all is that as time passes I realise
that at the end of this day, the dog is taking care of me rather than me taking care of
it. It keeps me company, barks at strangers and my boring mornings are now spent
on walking it.

Well that is all the updates I have for now. I will diligently update this blog when the
internet in my house is up and running. Goodnight

Zombie Post II

An infection has occured in our so called beautiful country. With only our police

force and RELA to help out, there arent many survivors. Most of the politicians
have flown off on their helicopters by now. The country is filled with chaos and
its citizens abandoned to fend for them selves. Nobody escapes, not even the Mat
Rempits who try to "superman" away, crash and get eaten. This is a more logical
follow up to my previous related post.

You have been holding out in your dorm for 2 weeks now. You constantly check
the internet and listen to the radio for the news and updates regarding the outbreak.
Within 4 days, almost all radio stations stop broadcasting and within a week your
wireless internet stopped working for some odd reason. Your tried calling home a
few times but nobody picks up. You somehow manage to keep in touch with some
of your friends via handphone. Turns out they are holding out somewhere too. Some
at their own homes, some at shopping malls, restuarants, 7-11 etc etc. Within 3 days
your damn credit runs out and within a week after ure internet runs, you are
completely cut out from the outside world.

Why did I use the word outside world? Well first off that cheap plywood cupboard
provided by the dorm is pinned against your window and you study table is placed
against the door with your bedframe behind it. You sleep on the floor now, sleeping
on the bedframe is much too risky as a hand might bust through the door and grab
your hair or feet depending on which side your sleep. You have been living off snacks
you bought and instant noodles "cooked" with tap water. You dont see much sunlight
aside from peeking out your window through a crack in your cupboard. You dont see
much, infact you dont really hear much. But once in a while you hear a distant shuffle
and to your horror and faint moaning. But the only time you ever hear these sounds
are rare and far in between.

You wait another five more days and the anxiety drives you crazy. Your food is running
low, so are your hopes. What are you gonna do about it? Well first off, I suggest that you
move your ass. But before you move, where are you gonna go? Whats the plan? Well, in
Malaysia I'd suggest that you go somewhere remote and far away. There are many rural
areas in Malaysia, but I suggest you go to one that isnt used by motorists as a rest stop
before heading off to bigger cities. Agricultural areas such as estates and farms are least
likely to be affected by the infection.

Alright, you chose your destination already. Time to start packing. First off you need water,
but just carry enough for one day. There are probably ample places to refill along your journey.
Get used to drinking tap water, its way more convinient than walking into a store for
mineral water and getting eaten. Next you need a weapon. Something light and durable.
Choose something blunt, knives are not gonna be of any help here. Imagine this,

STAB
STAB
*munch*

Not a good idea. Get something thats long and blunt. Well, here are your choices, depending
on your circumstances. If you are in your dorm you may have a guitar/curtain frame/barbell
bar/piping from your toilet shower/wooden stool/floor lamp or that weapon that you always
keep beside you bed incase of robbers. Well, to you paranoid folks like myself congrats, you
finally have a chance to use this weapon that has already started to gather dust. As for me I
keep a metal pole by my bedside. The lesser surface area of the weapon the better, you need
enough pressure to bash a skull. Thats the only way of taking down the undead.

What happens next? You push your bedframe aside, followed by the study table. Clenching
on one hand is your weapon while the other reaches for the door. You make a silent prayer
before you turn the knob. You walk down the dark hallway silently listening intently to your
surroundings. You see bloodstains everywhere and there is a heavy stench in the air.
Suddenly a figure appears. It seems to be shuffling towards you in the most awkward
manner with the most eerie moan. Its that chubby girl that lives a few doors away from
yours and she looks like she really needs a good facial. You give her one, with your weapon.
Bitch made a lot of noise with her speakers anyways. You are gripped with fear, but steady
yourself, its something that you're gonna have to get used to if you wanna stay alive.

Alrighty, you made your way out of the dorm safely. First thing you need to do is to
gather supplies from somewhere. Any typical Malaysian would run off to a store to gather
food and BECOME food to the undead. But no, you're smarter than that, you instead run
off to a hardware store. Yes you heard me, hardware store! Well, I would like to make a
note here, this isn't America, where you can just run off to a abandoned weapon store filled
with weapons and go create a zombie massacre. This is Malaysia, THERE ARE NO GUNS.
Our arsenal consist of what? Parang? Keris? Tombak? Blowpipe? This is when the
hardware store comes in.

First off, before I continue here, Id like to explain why the hardware store has priority over
food stores. Thats what everyone will think of and thats where the undead population will
be most dense. You wont live long enough to finish all that food anyways. Alright, you
managed to find a hardware store a flew blocks down your dorm. Along the way there you
stumbled accross a few more ghouls, but you managed to evade them and outrun them as
their decomposed legs cant carry them far. First off, if your previous weapon wasnt good
enough, you can probably find a better one in a hardware store. Well, whats on the list?
Monkey Wrench/Axe/Sledge Hammer/Crowbar. Use your imagination. Then you might
wanna bring along some kerosene for molotov cocktails, you get my drift.

You got your stuff, what are you gonna do next? Your bag is getting a little too heavy.
Walking is becoming too dangerous as your stamina is taking a toll on you. This is when
being in Malaysia becomes an advantage. Those annoying motorbikes that cut you off
on the road, you are gonna do that to those rotten bastards. Thats if of course, if you
know how to ride a motorbike. You dont know? Go learn! Im sure there will be a few
abandoned somewhere or there will be one or two at vehicle showrooms around. Why
a bike? Being in a car is too dangerous. With our lousy roads and probably wreckage all
over the place you wont be going too far. With bikes you can easily cut across debree
and the undead. However finding a bike, is gonna be quite an issue.

If you are walking, I suggest you keep to the sidewalk and not in the open. Wear shoes,
not slippers. You will be doing alot of running and shoes are way more silent than the
sound of slippers smacking the floor. Avoid walking at places where there is a corner
or where you can be ambushed. Avoid having to engage the undead at all costs. If you
have the opportunity to run just do it. You run past them, and not into them. Always
listen to your surroundings, but your nose will be you best friend from now on. You
can smell them from a mile away. Basically, they stink, really badly. When you smell
them, you know its go time.

Top Ten Places to avoid.

1. Shopping Malls
2. Office Buildings
3. Apartments
4. Hospitals
5. Over Sized Houses
6. Factories
7. Tourist Attractions
8. Industrial Areas
9. Hotels
10. Parlimen

If you do survive, and if you finally find the perfect rural area to hold up, the next
thing to do is to look for other survivors. Start looking for food and water. Ensure
that your new territory is free from the undead. Best bet? Build a tree house! END

to or not to be continued

Untitled

When I was younger I have always feared the dark. Despite being in a familiar
place like my own bedroom or at my hallway, when the lights go off I would
just feel a sense of insecurity. I feel that being unable to see anything makes me
feel vulnerable. My imagination would then get wild, like crazy wild and start
conjuring weird shadows and figures in the dark. I can never be alone in a room
without the lights on.

Ive always welcomed the company of light. Infact I can only sleep better with
the light shining brightly on me. As a kid I would do anything to just get a little
light on me while I sleep. I would simply just leave the light on, leave my room
door slightly ajar so hallway lights would come in, get a night light or maybe
get a torchlight. You see, its not really the dark that I fear, it the sense of
insecurity that drives me off the freaking wall.

Now a days, its really quite the opposite. I can walk through half my house in pitch
darkness and not really flinch a single bit. Im used to sleeping alone in my room
which is now twice the size of my old room in the dark. I can take a leak in the toilet
or sometimes even a dump when the lights are all off. In fact when its night time
sometimes light can really annoy me. When Im in my room trying to sleep, I would
always have to put my pillow over my head to shield my eyes from light seeping in
from the hallway or from the street lamp outside.

I guess having insomnia sort of makes darkness a part of your life. Well, maybe not
insomnia, just a milder case perhaps. Well, in a less fancier word its a troubled mind

and an empty heart that keeps me awake. Lying down on my bed staring at the
ceiling, once menacing shadows are now all too familiar. My thoughts once
wildly conjuring terrible horrors now given a chance to abolish them and give room
for other thoughts.

Thoughts about you..

How you were able to speak to my heart and not my ears..
How you were able to touch my soul and not my body..
How you were able to bring me bliss and rarely sorrow..
How you were able to make me see love and not beauty..
How you were able to make me feel whole and not hollow..
How you were able to bring me smiles and not tears.....
How we were able to cast one and not two shadows...

Black Balloon

Hello everyone, thats if there are still readers out there. I do apologize for
the inconsistency of my updates due to the apathy I have towards this blog.
Well, its because Ive been working under minimum wage this summer and
I just get kinda tired when I get home hence I have no mood to update this
blog.

I have however just stop work because summer is ending soon and I felt that
I have not done what I planned on doing this summer. I felt that this summer
is rather uneventful and I feel a tad bit disappointed for letting myself
waste the abundance of time I had. I felt I havent really catched up with my
friends because they themselves have become busier. I can honestly say that Ive
reached the stage where Im close to drifting apart from some. As for me, all I
can say is whatever will be, will be. Bridges are meant to be built halfway on
your side, if even the foundations were never built by the otherside, I see no
point crossing.

As for work, the people are friendly and the working environment can be fun. But
it was not something I wanted. I didnt want to work for the experience this summer
as I know that I would be doing the same for the next summer. I wanted to earn this
year and I didnt. That extra income could have helped me get some stuff that I have
been eyeing on for awhile. I just felt that it wasnt really worth it since Ill have to do
the same next year and there will never be another opportunity of doing so. The
field in which my training was based didnt suit my studies either. So I felt no purpose
in what I did and it was all a big waste of time.

But the upside for this summer is that it was a big eye opener for me. Ive learnt alot
work, family and stuff I went through this summer. Ive learnt that people change
and when they do, its hardly for the best. It is however pointless to change them
back because its in their nature and its who they are. Ive also seen the true nature
of certain individuals after knowing them for a long time. The first impression is
mostly if not always a far cry from the last. Ive also learnt alot about myself, Ive
learnt that Ive always waited for things to come my way, and hardly take the
initiative to do certain things. Just like the idle frog always waiting for the fly, I
never chase towards what I want. I see everything in a different reality now and
Im more battle scarred than ever..

Tick Cock

"Hello, may I speak to Jenny from accounting department please?"
"Yes speaking?"
"This is Ronald here calling from ***, has the director returned the signing pages yet?"
"How should I KNOW?!"
"Well, ermm the tax department wants them by wednesday or a penalty will be imposed."
"Im quite aware of that okay??! Ill send them to you as soon as possible!!"
*PLAP!*
*line goes dead*

Just another great way of starting work in the morning as a trainee auditor. You see,
life isnt easy for the bottom leveled auditor or even for the highest ranking one. Work
mostly consists of mundane and tedious paper work which nobody really wants to do.
Not much accounting is involved really, maybe just somewhere beyond the basics but
not much further than that. Our job is somewhat almost similar to an admin job, yet
it is also somewhat similar to accounting except in a very general way.

So far I have been through several phases of being a trainee auditor. Well the first phase
was vouching. Basically you check to the figures in the accounts and you refer to receipts
to back those amounts up. Just to prove that the money went in or came out in a legit
manner. The second phase was being the photostater boy. You see, being in an auditing
firm where work is tedious and everything must be done with ZERO mistakes, nobody
really trust the trainee(btw im the youngest in the office) with the real stuff. So I dont
have much to do in the office, constantly begging my seniors for something to do. In the
end Ill always end up photostating something for them. From a few measely documents

to a whole bag full or journals, Ive photostated them all. Well, new post today! Phone
answering boy. To be honest Im really afraid of answering the phone, but I guess its
me crawling out of my comfort zone again haha.

Well, being in a firm where work is tedious, I tend to know some cranky people. People
from other companies that we often liaise with, usually accountants are cranky people
as well, for example that conversation I had stated above. Not everyone is cranky though,
the are more nice people than grumpy ones actually. Even in the midst of doing overtime,
where stress is stabbing ure shoulders, some of my colleagues can crack jokes as well.
Which made me think alot, the work isnt the cause of the bad attitude then what does?

Im pretty sure everyone knows a person or two, perhaps a friend, a colleague or a sibling
whose always short on their temper or always cranky. Well, ever wondered why they have
always been like that? Im sure its not something inate or something that our shortfused
comrades were born with. I believe that angry people are like that because of resent they
have from things that are currently occuring or perhaps something in the past which they
experienced, something which they have carried with them for a very long time. I believe
some of these people even forget why they were so angry for in the first place to the point
where there is no way of resolving it since its forgotten, therefore they permanently stick
that way.

Well, its something which we will never really find out about nor will we be able to fix it.
Fact of life, there are cranky and angry people out there but we just have to accept them
for the way they are. And I have to face them for another 3-4 weeks =.=

311009

So far, Ive had three summer breaks. For each one that passes me by, something sad
always happens. I cant imagine why would such a happy time like summer would be
a time when I will be at my worst and when I feel at my lowest. However this summer
I must admit has got to be the worst. I have had many dark chapters in my life but none
as depressing or lonely as this.

Its just that when I let someone in, I etch or carve a part of them into my heart and
in high hopes wishing they were here to stay. However when things dont go well,
I have to scratch away the surface to remove the etches thus it becomes a little
smaller everytime that happens. I guess now I know how some people become
heartless.

I guess algebra has nothing on this.

People say that time heals all wounds, but people didnt tell me that time will take
its time. I guess I will just have to bear with it and be strong. Last summer I had
you to care for me and to bring me back on my feet. I guess now I have no one...

Between Complexity and Reality

Life, its mostly like algebra. It seems complex and difficult, but when you do it you
soon realise that it is fairly simple. It only seems hard because it looks different,
having numbers side by side with letters makes it seem very intimidating and almost
impossible to do. Its just that sometimes in life, we do not wanna try new things or
meet certain people because we find the negative in most things first due to the caution

we adopted from past experiences. Its only when we get out of our comfort zone when

we tell ourselves "Hey this doesn't seem too bad, I can get used to this."

Just like my current job im taking up in an auditing firm. I have never worked a

single day in my life before(excluding small time jobs). It was completely out of my
comfort zone for a variety of reasons. Number one, Im extremely bad with numbers,
the idea of doing auditing is a complete nightmare for me. Number two, meeting new
people: being the introvert I am, having the luxury of long time friends around me all
the time does not help being in a firm full of strangers. Number three, I have never
worked, never intended to anytime soon and here I am. Facing long hours at work
and doing tedious tasks.

Well, it didnt seem too bad. I never remained nervous for too long at first. Although
I may be bad with numbers, but I had alot of helpful seniors helping me as I audited
each company. After 3 weeks of work everything looks dandy and I finally have at
least some control over things. As for the second reason, people here are actually quite
friendly. They may be speaking mandrin half the time but atleast they are not bossy
in any way and the are kinda funny too. As for the third reason, working seems ok to
me. I dont mind doing tedious stuff and I seem to be self motivated which suprises
myself.

Most things always seem hard at first but after a while, or maybe even immediatly
you realise that nothing is completely out of reach. You have to give everything a try
before you make stereotypical and judgemental assumptions on things. Its good to
get out of your comfort zone once in a while, only then will you realise that your
comfort zone much bigger compared to what you once thought. :)

Summer Breeze

Hey everyone, Im currently back in Penang. I drove down yesterday and here I am
now. Its nice to be back home after so long, it feels as though I dont live here anymore,
but Im getting used to living under one roof with my family once again. Even after 4
months being away from home, I realise that some things do change while others will
always remain the same. Its great to be home, I guess...

I got back from the Hong Kong trip not long ago and it was quite ok. The trip involved
rushing to several locations around HK and Shen Zhen. We got the chance to see most
of HK and Shen Zhen. However in Shen Zhen I didnt like the tourguide too much as he
boasted and talked about a supermarket somewhere around the area before dropping
us there. It was a china equivalent of a Tesco and we were there for 2 hours. However
overall the trip is good. I had a lot of fun and got most of my friends souvenirs, not all
however. Had some financial difficulties before the trip haha.

If asked about HK and Shen Zhen, I would say its a place where it is developing really
fast and people there are much more hip and modern than I have previously perceived.
The one thing similar about these two locations are that they both are haven for those
who enjoy a good bargain and shopping for cheap stuff. Transportation here is much
better compared to Malaysia. In Malaysia, the KTM from Kajang to Midvalley takes
45 minutes. The train in HK takes the same amount of time to go to China. Malaysia
boleh! It is also a place where people seem to be always stepping on your foot and
walking off as though nothing had happened. The food however is quite unique there
in certain ways which makes it good, because it is something else and it tastes good.
Many thanks to Jermaine for the hardwork she has put into the planning and organizing.

Since I will be in Penang for about 3 months plus I will be doing internship either in
PWC or Deloitte, that is if I get accepted in. If anyone has any suggestions regarding
job offers please do let me know, thanks :). As for now Ill start looking around and
applying. I need the experience and the work ethic Ive missed out on wasted holidays
spent on gaming and virtually doing nothing. Well thats about it for now, will update
again soon :)

I miss you dear, its such a pain for me to be here without you :(

High Time

Hey guys, sorry no updates lately due to the exams. However, I have one more
important paper tomorrow and a rather insignificant one on the 27th. So I shall
declare myself pseudo free from tomorrow onwards. Honestly I cant wait for this
paper to end so I can get my well deserved sleep and perhaps spend time watching
all the movies Ive missed out. Movies Ive missed out on:
1) Iron Man2
2)Ip Man 2
3) Nightmare on Elm street
4) Clash of the Titans
5) Kick Ass

There are probably more but Im not sure what movies are out there currently, this
shows how unupdated I am regarding the movie scene lol. Anybody out there who
for some funny reason hasnt watched Iron Man 2 yet? Nobody will watch it with me
cos everyone else watched it and the others who hasnt think its lame :(. Well its either
that or Im just gonna go buy some dvds

After exams Ill be heading to Hong Kong for a short holiday. Really looking forward to
that because Ive never been anywhere overseas with my friends before hehe and of
course someone special. I kinda need this short vacation because Ive been through
two academic semesters simultaneously and it wont take long before I go through
burn-out lol. After that Ill be driving back to Penang with ah Pui(haha kidding Kwen).
Well thank God for that if not ill be all alone going back home.

Speaking about home Im kinda home sick cos its been awhile since I was in Penang.
It kinda sucks because the last time I got back I didnt do much and didnt really get
to hang out with my friends. Well it wont be long, only two weeks from now hehe. When
I get back Im probably gonna look for a job. Hopefully one with reasonable pay because
I want to earn some extra pocket money. Internship and experience is for next year
I guess. This would be the only summer where I get would get the opportunity to earn
some cash. Ive never really worked long term before, so I guess this would too be a first.

Despite the fact that Ill be heading back to Penang, Ill be stopping by KL every once in
a while as well. Hopefully my job schedule wouldnt be too tight and Ill be able to do my
own things as well. Ill be coming down for Pc fair, hopefully to meet up with my secondary
school friends and of course to visit her. Sometime during this long 4 month summer
holiday Ill be heading to Thailand with a friend as well, not really planned out yet, but
its gonna happen on a random day lol! Hope it works out, kinda looking forward to some
road trips during the summer. It'll just be wrong not having road trips :(

Anyway its only during exam periods where you feel a sense of escapism where you wanna
do everything else but study. Why is it that during the exam period, there are many other
things to do aside from studying, but during the holidays there always seems to be nothing
to do. Well I guess, a psychology case study is at hand, but neh whose free enough. Next
academic semester its gonna different hopefully, its kinda frustrating having everything
done last minute, its very demoralizing. Next semester will be officially graded for my
degree. No more fooling around I guess.

Its just kinda sad that my first year is finally coming to an end. Its the only time to ever
have fun and probably to slightly slack a bit on studies, but I guess its over now. Time to
get serious, sigh :(

Alright time for some sleep before my paper tmr then Im free! Cant wait..

Econology

Exams are closing in and here I am blogging lol. I dont know why but I just
feel compelled to update this blog despite the lack of readers. I guess I live
in a world with an imaginary audience who actively bothers to read this blog
and stalk me lol. To those who are loyal to this blog please give me a shoutout
in my cbox just so I know that Im not crazy haha. Sometimes I feel like through
updating this blog im somewhat talking to myself and catering to no one. Prove
me wrong people! lol..

For the past few days Ive been reading Psychology and Economics. Not a very
good combination as they do not complement each other AT ALL. So its kinda
messing up my brain abit. How I wish in a way that you could apply psychology
into economics, such as brainwashing people to increase demand and brainwashing
workers to increase supply. That would be a cool way of applying psychology.
Sadly psychology is not really about brainwashing people FYI, its more about
understanding why people behave in certain ways and how we can help them cope.

Been reading up on neurotic people, and I can really relate to that. I know so
many people who fit under that criteria and I finally understand why they
behave that way lol. The fun part about psychology is that it applies to everyday
real life and it can be related to you or people around you. Although it is a pain
in the ass to read, it is actually kinda interesting and it makes perfect sense
of certain things in life that we are often confused about. Haha and sometimes
you can put people in certain categories, categories of the mentally ill that is :p

New housemate moved in btw. Poor fella doesnt have a laptop and is really
bored LOL! Earlier he was literally walking around the house looking into drawers,
opening the store room door and staring at empty space. Not too long ago he decided
to do the dishes haha. Well, thats how I felt when I first moved in. I had a laptop but
not internet! :(

Gonna go back to study la.. Quite worried dy :((

@__@

This picture cheers me up alot sometimes. It can mean many things to many
different people. Its true that the same thing may look completely different to

two different people. What does it mean to you?

Fast Forward

This blog has been officially been pronounced dead, but not to worry Im

gonna bring it back :). Ive not been updating this blog lately because I
have been busy with quite a lot of things lately to the point where I forgot
I even had a blog lol. Not to worry, Ill abandon this blog when I say it, for
now Im gonna try and keep the updates flowing.

Ive been really busy this month, especially with assignments. But Ive handed
in all my assignments already and Ive entered my study break. Although my
exams are in 3 weeks time, I havent really started. Lol, Im starting tomorrow,
I swear. Got quite a lot of theory subjects but Id choose that over maths any
day. Psychology is interesting, but I hope I dont screw it up again =(. My
confidence towards the subject isnt exactly very high.

This semester has whizzed by really quickly, and it feels like its just been a
month. The whole of first year felt like it was all under one semester as
we had both sem 1 and sem 2 continuously with just really short breaks
in between. This semester was kinda fun, but too much fun to be honest. Im
gonna work my ass off during these 3 weeks to compensate for all the lost time.
I dont like this :(.

Im gonna work this summer, dad says he is gonna find someone for me within
the HR field of atleast the psych field to take me in as an intern. Im kinda looking
forward to that because Ive not had real work experience before. I want a taste
of the discipline of the workforce and the feelings of being rewarded by pay. I know
its not gonna be easy and its not gonna be fun and games but I wanna experience
it. The pay isnt all that hot for interns though. Well, gotta go through that like it
or not.

Yesterday was the birthday of someone really dear to me. Im so glad to see the
smile on her face :). It made all the planning and coordinating worth it. Im glad that
everything went smoothly thanks to the help of everyone especially Jermaine, the
brains behind the operation hehe. Happy birthday dear :)

What lies ahead 2

I once said in this blog that nothing in life lasts forever, and that we should
not delve into the past or look into the future. I dont really know why I said it
but in a way I was afraid of it as well. I was afraid of the future, because
future means change. I like the way things are right now, and I liked the
way things were back then but I guess everyone is susceptible to life
changes. Changes are barriers to many things, they get in the way of
our way of life, but it does not mean that we cant change change. Yes, that
wasnt a typo, Im talking about changing change. Modifying it in a way to
accomodate us and suit it towards the way we want it. However in order
to do this, you require some motivation and support. Its obvious that not
everyone can go through change alone, someone else needs to be there
for you when it does come. If you face change alone, you realise that you
will be more alone than ever.

You cant expect things to be the way you want it to be, you cant expect
life to be a bed of thornless roses. But you can make things the way you
want it to be, all that is needed is a push or a drive of some sort to carry
forward. If things dont turn out the way you expect it to be, you can
always make use of what you already have, instead if giving up everything
all together. Nothing in life ever comes easy for anyone, life isnt fair to
anyone. If you give up when something seems almost impossible to you,
you might as well give up on everything else. It is strange how us humans
can strive so hard to achieve our goals, but when it comes down to something
else important such as keeping someone by your side, they just barely even
try.

It is infact very depressing when you look into the future, because it only
seems bleak and colourless. But that is only because some of us look at it
that way. If we always expect the worse to happen, and make our own
conclusions about a negative future, then our future will turn out as a
really lousy one. You reap what you sow and the future will turn out the
way you want it to be. However, not all hope is lost. If you look into the
future more positively, and be more optimistic, it will turn out the way you
want it to be. This one of the steps one must take in order to change change.

So babe, why choose to be sad for what is about to come? Why cant we
look into things more positively from now on? I cant be the only one that
is being optimistic. I need you as well, to be there by my side encouraging
me to look forward to what lies ahead for both us. I know that I said that
nothing lasts forever, but you changed my perspective. Without you I
would have never seen things that way. I would have always been the
negative person I always was, I am no longer the pessimist I always was.
Im so sorry for making you think the way I did before. Im just too afraid
to admit that I was so terrified by the change that might happen to us.
But im not afraid anymore, because you are the only one I rather be with,
and my only biggest fear, more than anything else is losing you. Im so so,
sorry for all the things Ive said, I wish I could take it all back and replaced
them with nicer words. I know that you are not in a really good mood right
not, but babe, can you atleast think about it? Will you please forgive me?

I love you